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Maybe I'm home
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Crosho Lake in Colorado, cc-by-sa Laura Hilliger
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This week has been a whirlwind as I've turned on my computer for the first time after traveling to Colorado for the Badge Summit. While I was away, my focus was on surviving the travel. Since the pandemic, I'm out of practice. My anxiety flares up more than I like.
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Nowadays, when people tell me they're in therapy, I think of it as mental hygiene. My most recent therapy experience, which is a few years old now, involved me figuring out the needs and wants of my "inner team". I drew little pictures of all the facets of my personality and figured out how different bits of me have competing needs and wants. The exercise of identifying those internal conflicts helped me strengthened my ability to ignore my lizard brain at key moments. The realisation that our brains are complex and massively contradictory is one that you'd think would be achievable as a natural part of aging. Alas, it takes real reflective effort.
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Now that I'm back, there's a certain renewed vigour to get stuff done. July and August are weird months for my work. Lots of people are on vacations, new contracts tend to start in the autumn, things feel slow and sleepy. But there's always something to do, and this week I did a lot of things.
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Maybe I'm sleepy
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When I'm home, the last thing I need is an alarm clock. When I'm away, I wake up before whatever alarm I've set. Only in the rarest of cases – when travel requires that I be somewhere too early – and I've been unsuccessful at creating the conditions of otherwise – does my life require an alarm. I set an alarm and my jetlag wanted me in a deep sleep pattern right when it went off. My limbs weigh more than they should. I feel messy and incompetent. I regret my decision to "get up at the normal time".
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Not being in control of our own time is a farce. We are conditioned to believe that we *must* adhere to the time schedules of the world. There are plenty of books on sleep and capitalism.
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Rest is Resistance, a book I've been reading since May, is one that I'm on the fence about recommending. On the one hand, I find it poorly organised and repetitive. On the other, they are mantras worth repeating. There are books a decade old about sleep and capitalism. I found a short work that has basically the same review – 24/7: Late Capitalism and the Ends of Sleep, I haven't read it.
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The point is, alarms and sleeplessness and insomnia are not things our bodies need. Our bodies need to follow the personal ebbs and tides of the sky rivers. We are animals. Some of whom, despite all their best efforts, are not and will never be early risers.
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Maybe I need help?
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As I said, it's a strange time of year for me. I always wonder what September is going to be like. Will I find something to do? If not, I am permanently behind on my reading...
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It's true, reading is intimate and personal. I do not need help with reading, but I liked a lot of this advice anyway.
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I hope you're well. As always, you're very welcome to hit reply.
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