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Maybe I'm fine
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Hello, it is now December 2022. Can you believe this shit? It was 2019 like two months ago. I'm stuck in perpetual disbelief that these last three years have happened. So much, and indeed nothing, has happened. Wars and sunrises, chaos and sleep. Our world keeps getting worse and better too. I've been struggling, then fine, then struggling, then fine. At the moment, I don't know how to direct myself or what to spend my time on.
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Sometimes I think about before times – when I was homeless, using, broken, desperate, poor, working three crappy jobs – and I romanticise it in a way that fills me with shame. It's just...there have been times when I knew exactly what I had to do. I had to survive, leave the area, hide in the bushes, get to the freaking restaurant to do a double. Now I don't know what to do. It is a luxury problem, I know, I really do. Many have so little choice.
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Maybe I'm unity
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The other night a police helicopter circled 200 metres above my house for a couple of hours. At first it had no positioning lights on. Just the deafening hum of a very close by helicopter shaking the glass in my windows. Then it threw on a massive spotlight. The German word for spotlight is "Scheinwerfer" – pronounced like "shine werfer". The German verb "werfen" means "to throw". So it's like throwing a shine. It's an Onomatopoeia.
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My mind told me there was a serial killer hiding in the darkness, probably in my shed. The reality, I found out the next day, was that an elderly man was lost and injured.
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Inference: Our entire neurology is a unity of opposites.
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Maybe I need help?
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A friend informed me on November 30th that she'd done holiday decorations and finished buying presents for people. I've yet to find the holiday spirit. What about you? Need a gift idea? How about some cashmere?
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