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Maybe I'm devoid
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A artistic rendering of me trying to do stuff in Terminal by Codex Inferno
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One of the untruths that my Western socialisation and acute proximity to unbridled capitalism has embedded into my neural pathways is the idea that if I'm not doing something big, I am useless and small. And sometimes I feel so very truly useless. This week, it pushed me towards depression, and I thought about applying for a job. Like a "real" job. With a boss and a big organisation that is undoubtedly a massive hairball of utter and complete bullshit.
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"'the constant intellectual labour involved in having to take seriously the noise and free-floating anxiety’, and that labour feels increasingly pointless." Helen Beetham
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Then I did an internet quiz to determine my values, which apparently haven't changed since the last time I did an internet quiz about my values. Blah, blah, blah. Fiercely independent and creative and seek adventure, aesthetic and novelty. Not interested in the status quo, blah blah. Despite my best attempts, I can't make myself choose an easier path. I'm stuck in an overt intellectualism that I did not freaking ask for. The path is this random, confusing and terrified existence that is peppered with ridiculous humour and cynicism. It's not a 9 to 5 thing. Ce la vie.
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"Wistful of her previous status as an important cog in the machinery of the Peoples Republic, this traffic controller now has nothing to do but slowly stroll back and forth along the curb after the introduction of working traffic lights at street intersections in Pyongyang. In this video, the empty and unneeded white painted circle on the street in the foreground - the traffic controllers former domain - forms a poignant symbol of passing as the traffic lady, devoid of purpose, meanders slowly beyond it - off the street and out of control." Sad Sad Pyongyang Traffic Girl
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To jolt myself out of these dark and, frankly, very annoying feelings, I did some work. This helped, actually, especially when I absolutely bossed my machine and strong-armed it into not spitting nonsensical Terminal errors at me.
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"I am not a programmer," I said, "so let me figure out that a homebrew Ruby install on a Mac M1 chip goes awry because we need to set the arch flag and call a non-default version..."
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Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? No, me neither, and I didn't figure this out. WTF is an arch flag? I just googled and typed commands until I managed to fix my environment. Then I felt all proud and smug about it because it only took 2 or 3 hours. This Stackoverflow thread was the key, for those of you who really do need to know. Only the Gods know what exactly I did to my hidden folder structures...
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Maybe I need help?
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Sorry. I'm a little whiny today. It's just a writing mood. IRL I also smell flowers and stuff, so I'm ok(ish). What about you? How's it been lately?
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