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Maybe I'm dishabituating
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I took a break and went for a wander in the woods, and it was glorious. I was only away for a few days, but it felt like a lot longer. It must have been the mountain air. Or the sauna in the woods. Or perhaps the fact that I didn't use media, no news, no TV, barely any music (I put on the Rushmore soundtrack for dinner one night).
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I walked amongst the clouds, snaking through the massive mountain firs for a few days and I read books and hid. Like I said, it was glorious. It's a feeling that I would like to have every day and despite my attempts, the mundane and the unimportant just keep sneaking in.
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No one tells you who we're supposed to be or how twisty and turny the path is. No one prepares us, though literally every writer or artist or philosopher tries to prepare us. We remain in a reverent confusion of all of this, all that we are. And yet we still get up to try and figure it out only to then turn to dust and blow away back into the stars.
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Sigh. It is exhausting, this awareness thing.
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Maybe I'm deconstructing
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A memento mori, photo cc-by Laura Hilliger
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My uncle died this week. It's felt strange to me. A death abstracted. I haven't seen him in a number of years, and we weren't very close in a communicative kind of way. But he was my uncle and from time to time he reached out. The last thing on his LinkedIn profile was him liking a post six months ago that I'd written. He was retired, blind, disabled, but he checked in on me.
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There is now one less person on the planet who loved me unconditionally. The number ticks down, you know. Slowly, slowly the people who know why you are how you are and the complexity of your real story start to fade away. The people who remain lack any ability to truly grok your Life Line. Empathy in a world of strangers isn't idiomatic.
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So, dear friends, let me be your memento mori this week.
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Maybe I need help?
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By Thursday of this week, the zen of the mountain air was gone. Perhaps because on Wednesday I spent the entire day doing my taxes instead of playing in the sunshine like I really wanted to. I wasted my creative energy on my taxes, which are colour-coded.
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How are you? You are always welcome to hit reply, thanks for being here.
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