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Maybe I'm aware
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Those of us who are searching for absolution for our existence learn somewhere along the way that we will find it only if we pay attention. And so, in our existentialism, we learn to pay attention to the mundane and the great, the complex and the simplistic, the devastating and the joyful. We spend our lives paying attention to the point that we exhaust ourselves with the outward folly of attention and begin to observe the inside. The feeling of your breath when it pulls your bellybutton towards the spine. The salivating joy the brain produces when you see a ripe strawberry in the garden. The touching memory that arises when someone with the scent of lemon on their skin stands near you in a crowded place.
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We note, and sometimes ignore, when we've changed and who we might have become. We see through fractals the splitting shards of all the things we once were and all the things we could be. The possibilities spread in front of us. We are leadened by the weight of the privilege and freedom that comes with awareness. We are crushed by the knowledge that we could have been more. We could have done more. Every day, we could have, and we didn't.
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It is utterly unsustainable, but it's better, perhaps, to process at least some of this condition internally?
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Maybe I'm bidding
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I don't really know what you're here for, so I'll do what I've always done, which is force myself to write when I don't feel like it and use this as a safe space to reflect on my time here on this spinning globe of blue.
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WAO is coming into the new year with some capacity**, so I spend a load of time putting together a project plan for a bid. It's a big bit of work, looks interesting and impactful, and we've certainly got the expertise and creds to get it over the line. But boy oh boy do I hate proposals like these. We have to toot our own horn and pull together very specific proof of experience and you spend all this time and then who the fuck knows whether it will pan out. We've lost jobs like these to Deloitte, which is so stupid and annoying. Being independent isn't all lollipops and rainbows.
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*Did this end up in your spam? I tinkered with DMARC and other DNS records b/c MailPoet said I needed to. IDK what works, who gets booted...Sigh.
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**In our experience, our capacity is often filled, so if you're like "I wanna work with Laura this year, for realz, it'd be a good idea to hit reply and say a word ;)
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Maybe I need help?
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The World™ has continued to be a shit show, no? If you haven't seen what's afoot in Germany, this week has been...disruptive. Loads of people are striking and good on them for that, but the right wing AfD party and neo-Nazi shit-for-brains people have decided to use these strikes to complain about everything and blame everyone, sometimes while being openly racist and violent. They're the MAGAs of Germany, stupid seems to be spreading.
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How is your 2024 thus far?
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