I don’t share much anymore. I used to have a lot more to say out there on the internet. I barely reflect on work things anymore. Just an occasional post that I force myself to write. I don’t promote my work the way others in my field do or the way I used to. I write and delete tweets more often than sending them. I have this newsletter, and I’m honest in it, but you’re part of a small collective. I know the majority of you personally. Hi, what have you been doing lately?
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For whatever reason, now and late to the party, my brain has recently produced the information that I am *afraid* to share. I am not afraid of cancel culture. I’m not afraid of trolls. I don’t feel that anything I say needs to be said, at least not by me. There are enough people talking. I am afraid of my own irrelevance. I am afraid of being too much.
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I never used to have this kind of fear. It feels surprising that I am devaluing my own voice since I beg others to use theirs. I tell people not to be afraid. I tell people what we do matters. This week, I was wondering if this new(ish) fear has to do with the trauma of being a woman (in tech?)?
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In the past years, multiple men have said things to me in professional contexts. Things that have slowly eroded my self confidence. The “you’re too aggressive”, “you just want attention”, “people think you’re too intense” type of comments have done their jobs. One man wrote to me in an email that I need to learn to “behave”. Those were just the words. They also undermined me, wasted my time, questioned my creds, diminished my experiences. And then there’s the women. Sometimes solidarity isn’t a thing.
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Despite the HEART ON MY SLEEVE people question my authenticity. They try to tell me I’m something other than I am. They talk shit. And it’s so normal and boring. This happens to literally everyone.
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So now the question is, how do I get out of this? Or do I let the Internet go? No amount of people telling me I'm smart and competent and creative and unique is making it easier for me. I don’t need external validation (but a sincere thank you to those of you who say nice things to me). This is not about validation. There’s something else going on here.
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I cannot find the part of me that feels what I do matters. And who am I if I’m not trying to make the world more open. I cannot find my indignant rage to stand up or fight anymore. And who am I if I’m not pissed off and yelling about the status quo. My inner punk is sulking in a corner, and I feel like my riot heart is broken.
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MEANWHILE, everything is actually fine. Nothing happened. The work I’m doing interesting enough. I get to be moderately creative. It's important to the clients. They are relieved I'm around. The autumn is pretty nice, at the moment. It's fine.
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I have not motivation, nor desire, but its not as if the sadness creeping in on a regular basis is killing me slowly. That’s just what life is – something that kills you slowly.
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Seriously, how wonderful is the human brain that it can be so very full of contradictions and complexes? How can I be devastated and unconcerned all at the same time? Is this a feature of my neuro-atypicalness or is this how it is for everyone?
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I’m going to tweet something. Oh, wait, no I’m not.
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